"Good-Night Mommy!"

That's what Josh said to me while I was carrying him upstairs to bed tonight. Not only that but he wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big squeeze. Now that might not seem like a very big deal but for Josh (and for me) this was amazing! He has come so far in his conversation with others. The spontaneous give-and-take of conversation is something that children with autism struggle with. They often don't pay attention to what others around them are doing. Josh's tendency in "live in his own world" was a major factor in his diagnosis. Tonight we took a walk before going to bed. I was pointing out interesting things I saw. I said to Josh, "I see flowers." He responded by saying, "I see a flag." He wasn't repeating what I had said as he used to do a lot but was listening to what I said and then responding with a thought of his own. This is just such amazing progress from where we were a year ago. I can't even explain it.

Add to this the fact that Josh gave me a hug while telling me goodnight. Like so many things about raising a child with autism, when it came to hugs, I didn't know what I was missing. One day, Josh's SEIT teacher asked Josh for a good-bye hug and then pointed out to me that he didn't hug her back. His arms hung limply by his side. She tried to place his arms around her neck and he looked confused. I was stunned. I couldn't breathe. A suffocating sadness was washing over me.

How could this be? How had I missed this? It was like the "mommy" thing all over again. For the first three years of Josh's life, I had convinced myself that it was okay that Josh never called me "Mommy." I partly blame first-time motherhood. I didn't know any different. But I also think it was a defense mechanism. I wasn't ready to process what that could possibly mean or to feel how bad that could hurt. Maybe I was too busy calling Josh's name in an attempt to reach inside his world to notice he never had a name for me. Maybe I was too busy squeezing my little boy to notice he wasn't squeezing me back. Well, I was noticing it now and it hurt like the dickens.

Josh's teacher didn't seem too concerned about the hugging and said we could work on it. Work on it?! How could he not instinctively know how to hug. Everyone knows how to hug. We're born knowing how to hug aren't we? Again, I couldn't breathe. That sick, hollow feeling in my gut I've known since Josh first started to fall behind, was back. Did it ever really go away or did it just quiet down for a little? We had to fix this! Not just for me, his mommy who needed to be hugged back, but for anyone Josh might ever love and want to show affection for.

So we worked on hugging. When I hugged Josh, I placed his little arms around my neck and squeezed them for him. Every time I did it a part of me ached inside. "Who does this?" I wondered. But then one day he figured it out. Josh and I were sitting on the couch together one afternoon watching Sesame Street. He reached his little arms around me and gave me a hug. I was so surprised, I just said, "Oh!" and started laughing. Jason was nearby and gave me a big smile. This was my first spontaneous hug from Joshua and it felt so good! Needless to say, Josh got lots of hugs and kisses in return for that one little hug. Josh has been giving hugs for a little while now but I never get tired of them. When he gave me a hug tonight and said "Good-night Mommy," my heart just jumped inside me. I am so grateful for all the progress Josh is making and for the amazing blessing and gift it is to be his mother.

Josh is making lots of progress and we are blogging about it in a separate blog called Open the Door. You can reach the blog from this link or from the list of links on the side of this blog. You can also enter your email address on the Open the Door blog and receive email updates on Joshua's progress. Thanks for all of your support.